Consensual Non-Consent (it's more popular than you realize)

The definition for Consensual Non-Consent or CNC is a mutual agreement where the Dom (Top) is able to act as if the sub (bottom) has waived all consent. Complete consent is given beforehand, with the understanding that the consent is revoked when the scene ends; or is a permanent arrangement between the Dom and their Sub.

We need to first understand how CNC differs from rape fantasies and play. While both are very similar, rape fantasy/play, usually just refers to the sexual act, whereas Consensual Non-Consent can encompass all aspects of a D/s relationship.

It is true that some play partners do use the terms interchangeably, and even rape play is a fantasy for many “vanilla” people. Feel free to use whichever term you’re comfortable with, but always make sure everything is safe, sane, and consensual.

This is actually a very common kink and has not been connected to emotional disturbance. However, CNC can also be very therapeutic for someone who has survived trauma; as it enables you to take control of your body and no longer be a victim. For instance, if you are the one giving up consent, you are most likely (or really should be) with a very trusted person that you feel safe with. You hopefully have agreed upon a safe word and even if you never use it, you know it's there and that you are actually the one in control of the entire scene. The moment that the safe word is said, both parties should stop, check on each other, regroup and decide if it's time to end the scene or to keep going. In a CNC scenario, BOTH partners need to be in the correct frame of mind as you are, in some instances playing out rape/forced sex scenes and fantasies. This is where the person in the role of the aggressor needs to be in a controlled headspace as they have been given full consent, trust, and freedom to do what they want with their partner during the scene. They need to be constantly evaluating the environment, their partner's body temp, facial expressions, sounds, physical reactions, and where their mindset is; as well as their own mental space. This is very important as emotions, physical sensations, and reactions can be powerfully charged and it can be hard for the person to pull out of that space when they may really need to. They may not even know that they need to come out of it, again this is where the other person is consistently evaluating everything. Some play partners choose not to have a safe word for CNC play, and that is a personal choice. I personally know that I will need that safe word in my back pocket if I am ever able to trust a partner to bring me into that space. I have sexual trauma, so I do think it would be healing and empowering; but even without the trauma, there is something so hot about knowing they are taking you with such a primal need and showing you that they are in charge and will do whatever they want. Sometimes It's incredibly sexy to be wanted so badly that they will have their way with you no matter what and yet knowing that you can literally stop the scene whenever you want.

So why would someone want to engage in this type of play? So many reasons! Here is a list of just a few, but all reasons for desiring this play are valid. Reasons for CNC play-

1) The pleasure found in the addition of adrenaline and heightened awareness/arousal caused by fear, even when it’s a controlled experience.

2) where women fantasize about being pinned down and ravished — yet they are not in any danger. They are free to submit, they are safe, they are protected, and no harm will come to them.

3) “Sometimes I like abduction play because I like the element of surprise. How often do I get to feel surprised in a way that is sexy and fun? Left to my own devices, I will obsessively work all the time.” - Anonymous contributor

4) From the other side of things, letting go and giving in to pure desire/primal lust.

5) For some victims of past abuse though, acting it out can be very therapeutic. For them, CNC can have a bigger meaning. It can be a way to relive the experience, knowing that they now are in full control and now have the power to make it stop.

6) Persons with forced sex fantasies were highly likely to report having BDSM fantasies more generally. Basically forced sex fantasies sometimes are nothing more than a broader interest in the kink / BDSM world.

7) Sometimes CNC play is a way to disassemble the power dynamic between play partners. Renee Wolfe (She/Her): Sex Positive Coach. -This will be an entirely different post; so stay tuned!

What are some things that are important to know about CNC play?

1) COMMUNICATION! And lots of it! -Because of the intensity of the emotions that can come from this form of play, it is a very good idea to have a partner that you trust to keep you safe emotionally and physically. -You should talk about safe words and if you want them allowed or not. A common set of Safewords is the traffic light analogy. Green = Go! Yellow = Hey! Slow down, I need you to keep an eye on me, or I'm unsure about this and we need to proceed with caution. Red = of course means STOP! You should also have a physical signal as sometimes there is a gag involved, or the emotions/sensations are too much and you just cannot get any words or sounds out. The most common of these is designating a specific place where the one being taken can tap on the aggressor. Usually, it's the chest or biceps. Sometimes play partners will set up a specific number of taps, similar to the traffic light safe words. 1= Good to go, 2= Proceed with caution, 3= Stop. Of course, this can all vary from partner to partner and from scene to scene. The point is, you should have this agreed upon and clearly communicated BEFORE the play begins.

2) That during negotiations it should be made apparent that CNC falls under the RACK awareness category which stands for risk-aware consensual kink. Sometimes things can go unexpectedly in all kink scenes, not just CNC but because of the nature of CNC, it's important to continually illuminate the proper unnegotiated risks that could potentially arise and having plans for that accordingly - Renee Wolfe (She/Her): Sex Positive Coach.

3) While I have not (YET) found someone I trust enough to engage in CNC play with, I have heard from others in the kink community that the sub drop can very different after a CNC scene; which means that aftercare may also be different. I have a friend who usually loves to be held by her Dom after playing. However, after their first CNC scene, she found herself not wanting to be touched. She needed a long hot shower, cold water, and to slip into fresh sleepwear all on her own before she could allow her partner to touch her again. This was a surprise to both of them and something neither of them was prepared for. Now they have fresh sleepwear, cold water, calming music all ready to go in the bathroom so that when she slips into the shower, she can decompress on her own and rejoin him when she is grounded. While she is in the shower, he prepares a tray of her favorite fruits and cheeses that is waiting for her with fresh cold water and then cuddles. She and her partner have said for them at least, the aftercare and sub drop really only changes for CNC scenes.

5) Find a way to communicate what you liked, didn't like, wish would have happened, etc. Sometimes words cannot be formed right then and that's okay! Journaling is AMAZING. My first Dom had a journal for both of us. We could each add to it and read it when our personal headspaces were in a good spot. It was helpful as you may think of something you wanted to add to it days after the scene and you just go back to your D/s journal and add it. Or if you are shy/nervous/unsure about something, this is a safe place to put it where your partner can read and process it in their own time, before bringing it up to you. He also gave me my private journal to reflect freely on anything related to our D/s relationship. He never read that journal, but it helped me to organize my thoughts and to be able to communicate them to my Dom later. In fact, in my humble opinion; all D/s partners should have journals and an effective (for them) communication system.

That's all for now! I want to thank Renee Wolfe for giving us her thoughts on CNC play. Renee has over ten years of experience in Sexual Coaching and BDSM/kink education.