Submissive Me

If you've been on my IG, you know that I am a submissive. You may think this is about a "weird sex thing" or me being sexually deviant, it's not. Sex is just one, incredible part of being a submissive. There are so many aspects to it, at least for me. I can't speak for every sub, but the majority are not in it just for the orgasms (though, who would turn down a good orgasm. or many?).

I am naturally submissive; I always have been. When I need to be Alpha tigress, I am. Though that part of me comes out when needed, that tigress has always felt like a part of me that I am not as connected to. Going into corrections, I was able to connect a bit more with the Alpha side of me, and now owning firearms and spending regular time at the range has furthered that connection with me and my tigress. I don't like to be Alpha, but I am that tigress at work, and when I need to in life. However, I still prefer to have her lay down while my submissive side comes out. I enjoy pleasing people, in and out of the bedroom. I enjoy someone giving me structure in a caring way. I tend to not look out for or take care of myself. I will literally run myself into the ground to help others but rarely ask for help. My friend Wendy is injured and my barn owner, so I am stepping up to help out with their responsibilities on top of mine. I don't do it for money or recognition; I do it to help, which makes me happy. Knowing I'm taking some of their stress away is a big deal to me. This is how I function in life overall. I know it's healthy to not have to ask a partner permission to go do things with friends or whatever, but I still always asked anyone I was with. Unless I was with someone abusive, I always got the "I trust you, you don't need to ask permission" response. It wasn't about trust to me, it was about respect. But when I was younger, I didn't realize that. Fast forward to Michael. We started dating when I was 22 (long before 50shades) and after a few months he asks me "have you ever been a submissive?" That sparked a conversation that led to part of what attracted him to me: I gave off that vibe, as he was a Dominate. We spent a few days talking, me researching, him answering questions, and asking them as well. The entire D/s dynamic felt right in my gut, heart, and the rest of me. The first time he put his large, muscular hand around my neck, I had an instant and powerful orgasm. Over time, he tested my limits, pushed some, and left others alone. He never got upset if something didn't feel good on an emotional or physical level. After the sexual trauma that I had endured from my stepdad, and the physical and psychological abuse from my stepdad and biological mother, I was very disconnected from my body. I always had to be in control, even during sex. This is probably why I didn't fully enjoy it for so long. I just did what was expected of me. Michael changed that. He helped me reconnect with my body and spirit. He slowly took control in areas of my life that he could. Picking out bras, panties, lingerie, and even outfits for certain occasions. He took control of my schedule outside of work and set my exercise times, my journal time (he gave me 2, 1 for our D/s relationship and 1 for my personal thoughts) and journal prompts. Though he only read the one meant for us. He took control of things in the bedroom most days also. Some days I wanted to be in control but it was rare...and he always took over partway through anyway. He was naturally Dominate and I am naturally submissive. It worked for us. There was a change in me. I was less tense, I handled things better, I felt safe and relaxed on an emotional level for the first time in my life. The sex was amazing. I learned more about my body in the time we were together than I had my entire life. We communicated about what feels good and what doesn't. I was never shamed for how I felt physically or emotionally.

It was still early in him helping me explore my submissive side when he spanked me for the first time. We were playing pool with his friends when I made a smart-ass comment and it was growled into my ear very quietly that I would be reprimanded once we got home. I was a bit drunk, I was still fighting anorexia (he was starting to see my eating issues at this point) and so the alcohol hit hard. We pulled into his place and I was giddy and jumped out of the car and ran inside. He then had to chase me around. Sadly, the chase didn't last long as I was intoxicated and he was bigger than me and in the Army, so anticipating my next move was an easy task for him. The next thing I know, he's picked me up and is carrying me to the couch. He bends me over, lifts my skirt, and starts to spank me. It stung, quite a bit since I didn't have panties on, per his instructions. My ass was red and sore...but I was also dripping wet and wanting more. Once he realized I wasn't being punished, he stopped spanking me and refused to touch me for the night as my punishment. Even though I was horny and frustrated, I somehow still felt at peace and calm. My mind was still silenced and my spirit comforted that he just seemed to understand me and know what I needed when even I didn't know what I needed. I found myself skipping tasks I was given during stressful times and would relish in the spanking. Paddles are fun, but a bare hand is always better. It's like I can feel your energy transfer to me from your hand to my ass cheeks. Quickly he caught on and stopped punishing me for skipping tasks when I just wanted to be a brat because I needed the impact play. Instead, he'd react with this insanely sexy laugh and I knew it was over as soon as he could scoop me up. We were happy. I loved the subtle dominance he displayed when we were out and about in public. I liked that nobody knew what a light hand on my lower back did to me between my legs. in so many ways, he helped me take my power back and opened me up to what my spirit had needed all along. Sadly, his demons from deployment and childhood PTSD took over and he could no longer control his alcohol issues and became unsafe for me. He went from loving and in control Dom to an abusive alcoholic that was rarely thinking straight anymore. We went our separate ways, and my heart breaks at me not being able to help him. I had to accept the fact that until he was ready to see his problem, he wouldn't get help. Sadly, I ran into him a few months back and he's still drinking heavily and not keeping it in control. I wish he would get therapy and lay his demons to rest. Regardless of where he and I are now in our lives, I will always thank him for starting me on my journey to find out who I am.

So in short - Me as a submissive- *I get anxiety when I'm not in control of EVERYTHING and so when I can put those reins away, allowing someone else to take over, my mind quiets and my body will relax. You will see the tension leave me once I'm in my sub-space. It's even better if I can be in it out of the bedroom as well. *It is better for me sexually. I just...vanilla sex can be ok sometimes but I couldn't live off just vanilla sex. Spank me, tie me up, bite me, pinch me, pull my hair, use all kinds of sensory toys on me. Blindfold me, show me that I can trust you, allow me to let go of the control and give over to you completely.

*I don't like the shaming side. SOME subs love it, I do not. I don't like being called a filthy slut or a dirty bitch. Some do, some don't. Every sub and every Dom is different, and every D/s relationship is different. We all have different needs and half the fun is learning each other.

*One thing I absolutely love is having my mouth fucked. I will happily get on my knees for my Dom and gobble his cock up. I want to please him and I will do my best to while I am on my knees....and in any other position that he puts me in.

*It fulfills a deep, carnal need in me to please someone at that level and to give up control to someone that I can trust and let the weight of the world be lifted off my shoulders for a bit. Are you a Dom or a sub? or a switch? Why?