Authentic Me

Authentic me- This is a blog post to lay out the framework of delving deeper into who I am. I am still discovering who I am and shedding layers of who I think that I should be. It’s been 36 years of conditioning that I am breaking free from, so this will most likely be an ongoing process for the rest of my life, and you know what? That’s ok! So why am I so hell-bent on being my authentic self and showing the world that person? The answer is very simple. My friend Celeste (mentioned in my first post) has been a light in my world by being her authentic self, that I felt safe enough to be my authentic self. Celeste not only encouraged me to find myself and letting that woman shine, but she also embraced me as I started to piece together who I am. She has helped hold the pieces of me that were broken and jagged until I was ready to hold them myself. She has taught me nothing but love and helped me embrace the Aloha spirit. She celebrated when my spirit found her home among the Hawaiian Islands. I want to be the same safe place for others to be whoever they are. It’s time to break free from the ideas of what society, family, friends, etc... have put in our heads about who we need to be and what is acceptable or comfortable for others. I have spent my entire life trying to make others comfortable. *My Christian family and friends didn’t want to hear about my gifts or my spiritual beliefs. To MOST (not all) of them, I was going to hell and they needed to bring me back to Jesus. * Robyn (my biological mother-AKA my Egg Donor) hated that I felt emotions with a higher intensity than her, hated that I was a country girl like my dad and not a city girl like her, hated that she allowed my dad to pick a part of my middle name - my middle name is Kristin-Elaine, but she tried to make it just Elaine as she picked that name and ultimately hated my father for choosing to walk away from her, even though it meant losing me.- She hated that I was her polar opposite. She (and most of her family) had blond hair and blue eyes and yet, I had my father’s strong genes. I have his dark hair, eyes, complexion from his Native background, and red in my hair (you see the red highlights mostly in the summer) showing the Irish traits that he had passed down to me. She hated that I loved all creatures; even the shitty humans in my life. She even hated that I loved playing the violin…yet her mother was a very talented and accomplished violinist. Honestly, I think she just hated me. She had gone through 5 abortions prior to me. She was pregnant when she met my father and had an abortion so he would marry her. I think when things went south with my dad, she resented being stuck with me as if I were a ball and chain. She loved the nightlife but having a young child with undiagnosed anxiety who is a carbon copy of her father (the man that left her because she was incredibly abusive and was driving him to relapse into his alcoholism), that she had to find a sitter for in order to party and have tons of one-night stands, she honestly felt like I had ruined her life. I think this is why I was never able to be enough for her. I don’t think she really knew what she wanted me to be, other than not a reminder of her failed marriage. But…I digress…The older I got, the more I was learning who I was, the more I was shamed and ridiculed. This caused me to constantly try to morph into whoever or whatever I thought she wanted me to be in the moment. * I starved myself and purged when I needed to because it was drilled into my head that unless you could see my bones sticking out, I was ugly.

*I dumbed myself down. * I have spent my entire life trying to dull my sparkle, take up less space, quiet my voice, be the perfect little doll. * I have spent my entire life hiding my demons, my darkness, my trauma, my healing, my resilience, my light, my sparkle, my glow…just to make sure that those around me were not uncomfortable with me and who I was. That stopped this year. Between Celeste and nearly dying multiple times in 2019 and 2020, it became time to rediscover and reclaim my spirit and my soul. So, I’m not going to go into much about who I am discovering lies inside of me while I shed these layers…. not in this post anyway. I am going to go into what happened when I started living my life for ME. December 28th, 2020 I had surgery to correct my health issues and reset my body. I had spent most of 2020 jumping through work and insurance hoops to get this surgery. I only told a handful of people what was going on, and while some were supportive, some were not. That was my first step in reclaiming my spirit. You don’t want to be there while I try to stop myself from dying? Cool, bye Felicia. On top of prepping for this surgery, a little over a week before surgery, I had to say goodbye to my heart horse, Haven. I was pretty fucking numb, to be honest. (Although even in this tragic event, the Universe was showing me the good people in my life, more on that in another post) Paul, my boyfriend was very supportive, but with his job and the contract he was/is supervising, he probably wouldn’t be home for the surgery. (Add his Covid exposure to this and he missed Christmas and my surgery) and with Covid being such a big deal, the most supportive of my friends, April couldn’t be there as planned. She has medically fragile kids and couldn’t risk their health, and I would NEVER ask that of her. I knew that I was going to have to go through surgery and recovery alone. My adopted mom had her own stuff going on, and this surgery was still pretty private so I didn’t reach out to others for help. That didn’t matter, I knew I could do this on my own. I had faith in myself! So, the surgery happened. And I got put in a room that I shared with someone having the same surgery, from the same surgeon on the same day just a few hours earlier. Now, being an introvert wasn’t sure about having a roommate. BUT Stefani turned out to be the best thing to happen to me in 2020 besides being approved for surgery. She pulled me out of my “I’m in so much pain that I regret this decision” thought process and made me walk, take my meds, talk about happy things, eat popsicles and Jell-o, and exchange numbers upon discharge time. 7 months later, she has become one of the most important people in my life. I also love her mom and husband. I have adopted Stefani as my sister, her mom as another mom for me, and her husband as a brother-in-law. More on our bond in another post. When I stopped caring about other’s opinions of the surgery, the Universe opened up the door and I was approved with FULL coverage. I owed nothing for surgery. No co-pay, no deposit, nothing. Once I started showing up for the Universe and putting my energy into showing Source what I needed, Source answered. So phase one of leveling up- *Lost Haven, BUT had the best support from my barn family to get me through that incredible heartbreak. *Surgery wishes were granted and then some *Stefani was my surgery twin. Our spiritual paths/beliefs are very similar and in tune with each other. We get to navigate the ups and downs from post-op life to everything else. She’s got the best heart and soul and she was an answered prayer from Source. * I started working out again and my anxiety decreased, my depression backed the fuck off, for the most part, my thoughts changed and I found myself happier each day. *I got another promotion at work. *I bonded even more with my barn family. *I bond with my surgeon’s P.A. Diana and main R.N. Erika. *Mollie is my valentine’s day present Phase two-(The universe makes me see all the blessings I was sent in 2019 and 2020) *I realize my taking down Eakin crew are some of the most amazing people in my life. Okay, I’ve known this since they came into my life in early 2020 before the pandemic. (funny how life is now pre-covid and now) *Paul and I started couple’s therapy in May of 2020 when I tried to die in the ICU and he realized that he and the stress of our relationship were only adding to my health issues and I was ready to call it quits. *I see how much Emily, Megan, Katherine, and Dottie who I met in the group with Celeste, have become such a huge part of my tribe. *I realize that things are only going to go up, as long as I continue to follow my path, speak my truth, and become my authentic self. Phase 3-Growing pains- While good things happening is amazing, I watched Celeste go through losing people when she started to speak her truth and show the world her authentic, savage, and gorgeous self. I knew this would happen to me, however, I didn’t expect it to be the hit that it was. *My dear friend from middle school, Natalie, who loved to walk away from our friendship any time that I had advanced or improved my life did it again. As my body was responding to the surgery and my workout effort (which it didn’t before surgery) and my overall mental and physical health improved, I could feel Natalie pulling away. When I told her, I wanted to be a medical assistant she didn’t say much, and when I got into the program tentatively as I was late to apply and there were only so many spots; she ended our friendship. Again. In the past, I would have fought for her, for our friendship, for our history. And I did at first. But she played head games and wouldn’t tell me what I had done, again. This was literally a repeat of every other time she’s done this. The difference is, I was no longer willing to extend that olive branch and shrink myself in order to keep her as a friend. I have supported her in every glow-up she has attempted. I have supported her kids, I have been there consistently, no matter what. When she wouldn’t tell me what I had done wrong and said it’s because I didn’t care….I literally begged for days to find out what I had done to upset her. I realized that it was her trying to be the victim…but I wasn’t sure why. I knew I had not done anything to her. She has never had an issue communicating these things to me in the past and the same with me to her. UNLESS she was pulling this stunt. She was great at this game. Although, she did not anticipate me changing the rules. I blessed and released. I got a tarot reading from my trusted friend Raven and before I even said ANYTHING, she said “your friend, her name starts with an N, lots of history for you two, she’s not a real friend. She’s a frenemy”. That confirmed what I already knew in my gut. Instead of trying to fix something that I hadn’t damaged, I wished her the best and walked away. Growing pains SUCK when you’re glowing up. I lost a few people as I started putting myself first and following my truth and my path. As soon as I locked the door that Natalie had closed, the Universe opened up a ton more. *Students left the M.A. program and I got a spot. *Funding happened so that I could start in the summer quarter and get into the fast-track M.A. program. *Financial aid came in for everything after the summer quarter. *I was offered a job upon completion of the program as long as I do not get a grade below a B. (All A’s so far and this quarter is nearly over) *I got yet ANOTHER promotion at work *I started glowing from the inside out. *Paul and I started to really improve (who knew that Natalie was a source of our struggle?) *People noticed the change in me. *Dottie had me join a Facebook group for MEMEs and I met more awesome witchy women as friends. *I met people that allowed me to be open about my submissive side, my witchy side, my demons, my angels, my darkness, my light. Phase 4-(Present day) *Paul and I are working actively on our relationship *School is hard, but I have so much love and support, it’s going to be ok *My sparkle and light are shining so bright that I am consistently attracting more and more good in my life. It’s easier to let go of the bad stuff and recognize what isn’t serving my spirit any longer. *Karlie, Caiti, and Amelie have become some of my closest confidants. *My barn family (Ashley, Wendy M, Wendy C, Ashley’s husband and kids, Dr. Cha, and even Sean who has loved both my mares from day one as their vet) have become more than my barn family, they are my family. *I took on the role of barn manager Don’t get me wrong- I am struggling at times with school/work/barn/ time. I don’t get as much self-care time in as I need to. Working out is self-care, yes. However, I am not getting the sleep I need, and barn time is nothing but work and caring for the horses (including Wendy C’s horses and Ashley’s as both are injured) on top of mine. So, while it’s still my solace, it is still working as well. Time to curl up with a book like I used to, is not happening any time soon. I have been burning the candle at both ends. This is not much different from my past; however, it is still slightly different. I’m not burning both ends for others, I am doing it for me and my dreams. Self-care like my massage days with Megan have been non-existent because any time I get downtime, I have to use it for the dogs and making sure they get what they need also. I squeezed in some time at girl’s night over this past weekend, but that is only because the quarter is winding down and we had a break before gearing up with finals. I know that the next quarter will be even harder as each quarter passes and brings me closer to my goal. I know that my self-care will need to become a priority. Self-care that is needed isn’t in the form of hygiene and sleep (ok maybe sleep) as I get at least 2 showers in a day and more depending on the weather, what I am doing that day, and whatnot. My self-care that is lacking is pampering time. Even my below-the-belt grooming and eyebrow appts are more work than pampering these days. I know that at some point this will have to change and I will need to make time to just take care of myself. I just don’t know when or if that will happen. I miss taking long baths with music, candles, and a joint while my phone is on do not disturb. I miss walking the dogs more than the 2 runs I’ve built into my schedule. I miss the casual walks and not me trying to get Mollie tired and my cardio in. I miss just zoning out on Animal crossing, but lately, I just don’t have the energy once my nights come to an end as I always have an early day following me. Maybe my new Dom will help with making sure I get some self-care time built into my chaotic schedule. More on that in another post as well. My point in all this rambling (sorry ADHD meds have worn off and at some point, I’d like to sleep tonight as I have a BIG day tomorrow) is that as soon as I started allowing myself to be who my spirit is, the universe said “there you are! Now that you’re letting your light shine, I’m going to shower you with blessings and the life you’ve always dreamed of and deserved.” Once my spirit woke up from her coma, my life changed for the better. Even the growing pains that hurt so deeply at first, have shown me that Celeste was right all along. “when the universe takes something away, it’s making room for something better.” And better is all that is happening.

I am so thankful to Source for responding to my spirit waking up and opening back up to the world and universe. I m not going backward!