Finding Me Again

The woman on the right in this photo...

that was me just a few months ago. I was working my ass off for my new body - post-surgery, about to start school for the Medical Assisting program (something I have always wanted to do), in a stable and loving relationship, I had new friends that seemed to embrace the authentic version of me and I was cutting out old ones that were bringing me pain, instead of peace. I was gaining confidence, finding who I was, and allowing parts of me that I've kept hidden to shine. I was happy. No filter. My skin was glowing and *I* was glowing from the inside out. I was focused on myself. I was not saving the world, I was not everyone's therapist...I was just taking care of myself. Self care, trying to solve my food intolerance, training my pups, getting ready to bring my horse, Mariah, back into full-time work (which changed quickly, but that's a different story for a different day), I was gaining confidence and genuinely happy.....So how did I go from that glowing lady a few months ago to where I am today? My skin is a wreck, I am struggling with food again so back to more tests...I'm focusing on my weight instead of my health...school is a struggle this quarter and overall I feel as if I am mentally in the same space as I was this time last year. My heart feels unsure, my body...well its fighting for my life...My therapist is out of town for 2 weeks and so I'm on my own with this....So after surgery, I had to be on a special diet and slowly advance to more foods and when the next stage was troublesome to my gut, the head nurse Erika would say "go back a few steps and try again in a few weeks." So I am going to look at where I am now and from where I started and hopefully going back a bit will help me continue to advance towards the next stage of my life. I am going to write down where I was on 01/01/2021, where I was in that photo, where I am now, and where I want to be. So let us dive in head first!

January 1st, 2021: ~The Good~

*Recovering from surgery and am about to be readmitted for complications *Despite complications, I am hopeful about my health improving *Surgery twin, Stefani and I are bonding and I need a good new friend in my life *Surgery, complications, recovery was hard, even harder during covid and worse with Paul out of town for work and unable to come home due to a covid exposure-BUT I did it! I got through it all. I had some help, but mostly it was just me. I learned to pack my own open wound from the complications, got myself to my appts and had friends take me when I couldn't drive myself. Friends brought me meds and soups etc. Yes, I had some help, but mostly it was just me and I proved how strong I am ~The Bad~ *Holding onto toxic/selfish/shitty people "just in case they see my worth someday" because I did not have the self-esteem to see that there are better people out there for me. *Being walked on constantly *Ignoring red flags in all relationships (not just romantic) *Feeling lost and worthless *Still grieving Haven's death and afraid to love a new horse

June 30th, 2021: ~The Good~ *Allowing my submissive side to shine *Healthy despite chronic food intolerance causing chronic vomiting

*Working out daily and seeing my body FINALLY respond to all the hard work I'd been putting in for years *Smiling more *Self-care was something I was rocking *Putting my needs first and no longer feeling bad for this *In a stable relationship *Training a puppy *About to start school for Medical Assisting --> Realizing that the Universe (source) was honoring all the work on myself and my dreams as I got the funding I needed to get in and everything was smooth from enrollment to day one. *Wanting to blog and help take stigma from the Kink community *Excited and hopeful for the future despite just having turned 36 *Starting to see people for who they really are *Addressing my ADHD and becoming open about that and mental health in general *Wanting to advocate for mental health *Wanting to advocate for me in therapy

*Embracing my spiritual side and not giving a fuck who likes or dislikes it ~The Bad~ *Still unsure of who I am, but finding me *Scared of therapy, but going anyway *Realizing that no matter how much you love someone in your life (family, friend, romantic), they may not love you back...even if they say they do. *Realizing actions speak louder than words and it hurts to see true colors *Lost an old friend due to leveling up

Today: October 17th, 2021 ~The Good~ *In therapy and loving my new therapist, Jill

*Cut so many people from my life and more to go

*Setting boundaries

*Opening up this side of me more and more and allowing her to be a part of me, and no longer kept in the shadows *Embracing new friendships and rekindling old ones *Loving my barn family *Continuing with school, even in the struggle

~The Bad~ *Confidence is dwindling *Seeing more and more people for who they are

*Losing more friends *Heartbroken at losing friends *Skin and health declining *Mental health struggling *ADHD struggles are real. frustrating and painful *Wishing I was anyone but me

So where do I go from here? I go back to caring about me, focusing on me, I'll probably lose more people, but the ones that matter won't leave. And if you drop off, I'm sorry that my growing and glowing is upsetting you. Time to take care of me again. Time to be my powerful Goddess Witchy self and let the Universe back in!